THE WORLD OF JANINE CHRISTOPHER

NUBIAN GODDESS AND MOTHER TO OUR THREE CHILDREN

Introduction

this is a small insight into my warped world of mini stories and poems based upon my personal experiences that includes family, friends and colleagues all rolled into....................one.

Now read away................

My Name Name Is......

My name is  Janine and I am 21 years old……. Ok so I lied I am 31 years old with three demonic children and a husband, well nearly!!. I have been asked to give an insight into my manic life, for some bizarre reason so here goes.

I was born on one of the hottest day in the year in the mid seventies. My mother beautiful had an afro so big it blocked the sun so in effect I was born during an eclipse. My father had a beard so long and thick only Moses could part it with poor Charlton Heston hanging on for dear life they made quite a pair! Little did I know after that first cry what “Him upstairs” was letting me in for.

I Went to various schools as daddy dearest was serving “Queen and country” then eventually settled in pensioner’s paradise, the home of Gary Lineker LEICESTER!!!

Note to self: Must apologise to Leicestershire’s tourist board. The town is a walking mortuary where the only fun to be had is at funerals and carnival.

So lets fast forward to today as I said I am 31, no longer 16 or 18 but 31 with stretch marks that would cover route 66, I am fighting with all the strength, body creams and drugs (needs must) to make sure my body doesn’t go south.

Moving on I work in the health profession, surrounded by manic depressives, crack heads, single mothers, spotty teenagers, evil children so in all I am describing my family. But on a serious note I work with walking corpses who take Prozac like Smarties.

There you have it a little taster and if I am successful you will be reading my articles every week if not I will drink myself into a bottle of Tequila and make friends with the worm at the bottom.

Enjoy.

So I gave you my taster........here Is the first course.......

No matter what your parents teach you (hopefully all good) your peers in school, college, university and life in general you are never fully ready for that first love. As far as I am concerned that crap about you looking across the room and your eyes meet is baloney!!!

My first love story is set in a damp one bedroom flat with a hint of mould and mildew wafting through the air, aah the smell of love so sweet. So I wake up from another college party at 3:00pm (just before EastEnders, I thank you), whereby I leave my house in my pj’s and coat with my hair looking like Whoopi Goldberg dragged backwards by a train face down I might add. To buy myself the local rag, it is Sunday who is going to see me! So I stumble in and out of the shop laden with more stuff than I need, searching frantically for the holy fag, and I bump into him!!!!

Right now let us pause for a minute, bearing in mind I was drinking straight brandy and whiskey the night before, alcohol is still raging through my blood so anyone could look good. But this guy was fine, chocolate deluxe fine, melt in your mouth not in your hand fine. Then there is me looking like shit!!! And they say there is a God.

So I drop the bag, with a big box of Tampax staring back for him and the world to see, which I hasten to add, I pick up and try to run in embarrassment only to trip head first showing my aluminous pink thongs……sexy. So after laying on the ground Mr Chocolate Deluxe, we will call him for now, helps me up and walks me home where he ends up staying all day where we talk over pot noodle and last nights Chinese with the smell of mildew in the air. He is ready to leave, I always hated that part where:

1: He shakes your hand and you know he is never coming back (damn my cheesy feet)

2: He gives you a "will love you like a sista hug"

3: Or he kisses you with such force that you feel like you are paralysed from the neck down, which I might add is a good thing which can lead to two scenarios A: He whisks you upstairs and makes you feel like a goddess, or B: You arrange to meet.

We will now move onto section: 3 Part A:

I know as you are reading this you are also thinking either "damn she’s a tramp" or "you go girl" but like I said he was fine. So what happens next……..

The Official Date………………………………………………………………….

The Official Date: Operation Capture

The aim for tonight is to capture, all the stops have to come out, hair, nails, body wrap, waxing, shampooing, and tonguing......the full works its all happening tonight.

Mr Chocolate Deluxe is in trouble and he doesn’t even know it!

So I get there ten minutes late, I do not want to arrive too early or on time, looks desperate, so I have a cigarette, then a drink and then I go to the restaurant. I walk in, black dress, kitten heels I have to say I looked damn good! Move over Halle Berry, girl you have competition and her name is Denise, you better recognize! So you can picture me walking slowly and sensually to the table then trip on that Power Ranger toy that belongs to that demonic child on table three and then go flying down the corridor into the men's toilets.

Pause for a minute: I am an ass I am a stupid ass!!! Thanks to Damien my grand entrance is ruined, Mr Chocolate Deluxe looked horrified and my £270.00 dress is ripped! This is WAR!!!!!!!!! OPERATION CAPTURE in case of any emergencies, a women’s bag is a bottomless pit, it may look small on the outside but inside is the abyss. Mary Poppins would have been proud of me! I take out scissors alter dress..."damn I’m a sexy mutha.....shut your mouth".....fix make up and walk out of the toilets to the restaurant with a face that says I don’t give a ****.

Mr Chocolate Deluxe looks amazed and he is putty in my hands all night long, so "Operation Capture" is a success, and I find myself being sucked in by him, he is talking and all I can do is stare at those lips and wonder. So he walks me home and I leave him on the door step wanting……

Operation Capture 1 - Man 0.

So to all you men out there who feel you can outwit and out do me think again or I am an intelligent breed. Do not mess!!!!!!!!!!

Note to self: must destroy all Power Ranger toys!

Pause For Thought

Tania we shall call her is a lonely woman, with a man who no longer gives a damn, and lives in his own world surrounded by everything but her. She adores this man with a passion but none of this returned. Now a survey would say LEAVE THIS MAN. But alas she continues to plod on continuing to believe he will change. But he does not, so she gives up all hope of marriage, and growing old (gracefully I might add) and throws in the towel in defeat. Hating everything with a penis.

Darren we shall call him is in a relationship with a woman who has constant PMT, she's aggressive, selfish, and immature and basically deserves a good slap! Not a home maker but a home breaker. She cares little for his physical, mental and emotional needs and well-being. So he too gives up all need and wanting to be a lover, husband or a parent. Denouncing every woman that has walked the earth and returns to his cave.

Now I have described my two characters we shall continue……..

Its cold and its raining hard, Tania (bless her) is dressed in white cursing the gods for telling "pork pies" on the weather channel. Sunny and bright my arse and in doing so is soaked to the bone. Darren is equally pissed because he has left his home late again, after drinking to much whiskey the night before, wearing odd socks and has forgotten his wallet. As they both moan about there lives they bump into another, apologize continually and both walk in opposite directions. She stops and turns, he stops and turns and for fifteen seconds, but to them eternity, they connect. I will leave it to you readers what happens next!

Now pause for a minute, now in my first chapter I stated I DID'NT believe in love at first sight that it was and I quote baloney or some would say a porky! But since then my views have changed, it can happen, it has happened. We are never fully ready when it does, but when it does everything changes. To connect with someone, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally can be a wonderful thing. When you click and fall in sync with someone, you start a sentence they finish it. They laugh at your jokes because they actually find you funny, they will go the extra mile for you. They genuinely care and love you, that too is a wonderful thing. Do not let go of that feeling, nurture it watch that friendship grow into something beautiful. This is a society surrounded by dating agencies, speed dates, lonely heart columns and love is not a package to be sold at £49.99 it is a genuine gift when shared.

So readers you have read my first three columns, Mr Editor Sir has asked me to address some serious issues with regards to relationships, as in this day and age society has lost the element of romance. To woo, to chase, to admire. So to you men and women here is a lesson to be learned, love can truly be round the corner if your eyes are open! May it be out walking the dog, at the supermarket, catching a bus, hopping on a train he or she is out there. It is up to you to embrace it when it does come your way……………

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